Never again.

The fights are and will always be never ending. I've wondered many times "why me"? It seems like no matter what I do or what I do I will never escape the pain that comes along with once loving an asshole. A year and a couple of months later I still have to deal jealousy outbursts, physical disputes and unfounded claims. I learned at a young age to be independent, strong, and determined. I am too strong for my own good. No matter how much I am hurting, asking for comfort is inconceivable to me. Many times surrounded by darkness I crumble, and with solitude right beside me I allow myself to cry.

A feeling of frustration embodies me as I realize that now matter how much I speak I can't force him to listen. I fail to understand why should I pay for his mistakes. Is this the price I am supposed to pay for loving him at some point in my life? Now thanks to him I am incapable of loving again. Turns out one person can scar you that bad. Tough. I strive daily to succeed in school and as a mother. I refuse to settle for anything less than what I want. 

I have enough of a challange with Emma. I have heard of the "terrible two's" but I was no where near ready for them. Emma's new favorite word is "no" and "mine". Ahhh!!!!!

Every day.
All day.

This is what our daily conversations consist of:

-"Emma, let's get you dressed."
--"No."
-"Emma, you need to wear your coat, it's cold outside."
--"No, momma." "My Dora."

When did dressing a child become so complicated? Better yet what does her Dora blanket have to do with my attempt to dress her? Ah, the wonders of a mother. Despite of the many times I feel like pulling my hair out when dealing with her, she is who I am. I am not defined by the many accomplishments I could achieve in my career, or the amount of money I could someday posses.

My success will be defined by her happiness and her smile. There will be many more fights with her father. Some days he may say something that will hurt me, upset me, infuriate me, or depress me. The key to it all is to never allow him to see how it affects me. Sooner or later he will understand that there is no point in confronting me and hopefully learn to enjoy what he is missing out on.


Emma.




 






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